osmiumo

Caribean Updates......

akavanag@hamilton.edu — Fri, 14 Jul 2006 00:19:23 GMT

I send my apologies to Diana and Dane who I think i talked to last night but i can't remember.

Good ole' Captins!

akavanag@hamilton.edu — Thu, 22 Jun 2006 02:24:38 GMT

I think I have lost my mind.

I am 21

akavanag@hamilton.edu — Tue, 06 Jun 2006 01:38:26 GMT

Lately I have been completely irresponsible. I guess I just hope I grow out of it and don't do anything too stupid. Or maybe its too late for that.

akavanag@hamilton.edu — Tue, 28 Feb 2006 01:00:44 GMT

What am I doing and who am I doing it for?

akavanag@hamilton.edu — Mon, 27 Feb 2006 13:23:50 GMT

Everything needs to stop.

akavanag@hamilton.edu — Mon, 20 Feb 2006 23:45:35 GMT

I feel insainely overwhelmed. I get so stressed about everything I have to do and I end up crippling myself and can't do any of it. I feel like I have to give up something, or everything is going to fall appart. I am a sim and the house is a mess, I smell, i have to go to the bathroom, I haven't eaten and my kid is crawling around on the floor. Its so stupid to feel this way and I am not sure how to make it better. School sucks no matter what and the only class i can really drop is stem cells and thats my easiest class. Work acctually keeps me on top of things, gets me off campus and is some what enjoyable. And i can't really live in a box and not talk to people. Everything in itself doesn't seem like its a lot, but add all these little things up and it is. Maybe last week was just bad. Hopefully this week will be better, but I am not sure how much more I can take. Who wants to get completely wasted thurs night?

.....Icky.....

akavanag@hamilton.edu — Mon, 20 Feb 2006 04:58:19 GMT

Its amazing how hard it is to get over your tendancies. I think its even worse when you can see it happening, but can do nothing to stop it. It's so stupid. After I can see it all clearly. Why can't I see that then? It leaves me wishing I was a better person.

There was no reason for that.

I need to listen to myself...not try to deny myself something that I need.

akavanag@hamilton.edu — Mon, 20 Feb 2006 00:12:33 GMT

I am a complete idot.

akavanag@hamilton.edu — Wed, 15 Feb 2006 07:05:01 GMT

...humans value simplicity and marvel at complexity...

akavanag@hamilton.edu — Tue, 14 Feb 2006 00:40:52 GMT

I feel so mentally and physically worn out.

...Not necessarily a bad thing...

akavanag@hamilton.edu — Sun, 12 Feb 2006 18:12:39 GMT

...lately everything just feels so much more intense...

Couldn't have said it better.....

akavanag@hamilton.edu — Sun, 12 Feb 2006 00:49:50 GMT

Her name was written on a photograph,
right next to her red, sunburnt face,
it all had happened in that long tall grass,
about a mile from her old place,
and I can't remember how it started and if it lasted that day in the sun.

We said that we were going to study hard,
we held our books instead of hands,
she held a blanket over cans of beer,
I can't deny I was so full of fear.

It's just another story caught up in another photograph I found.
and it seems like another person lived that life a great many years ago from now,

When I look back on my ordinary, ordinary life,
I see so much magic, though I missed it at the time.
when I look back on my ordinary ordinary, ordinary life,
I see so much magic, though I missed it at the time.

And there's the first time that I tried that stuff,
I think I look a little green,
I remember throwing up behind a bush,
and I found it hard to use my feet,
and who's that easily led little boy who's really off his head?

It was the same night that I kissed that girl,
the tall one with the auburn hair,
I remember laughing coz to kiss me,
she had to sit down on a chair!
she tasted like the schnapps she'd drunk,
and the cigarette she'd stolen from her mum.

And it's just another story caught up in another photograph I found.

When I look back on my ordinary, ordinary life,
I see so much magic, though I missed it at the time.
When I look back on my ordinary ordinary, ordinary life,
I see so much magic, though I missed it at the time.

....Maybe.....

akavanag@hamilton.edu — Fri, 10 Feb 2006 06:20:05 GMT

....everything does happen for a reason. Or it might be our minds trying to make sense of it all. I think I am just going to believe the former.

akavanag@hamilton.edu — Thu, 09 Feb 2006 04:38:31 GMT

People are funny....
I am not really sure what to make out of most of them.....

akavanag@hamilton.edu — Wed, 08 Feb 2006 06:02:39 GMT

......Firefly tea......

akavanag@hamilton.edu — Fri, 03 Feb 2006 03:59:02 GMT

...Silly me...

...and me tendencies...

I am alive!

akavanag@hamilton.edu — Mon, 30 Jan 2006 00:56:24 GMT

I am not sure how but I am.
This weekend was a lot of fun and I think the general mission was a an overwhelming sucess!

I feel like things are starting to make sense again...

Falling from some lofty place......

akavanag@hamilton.edu — Fri, 27 Jan 2006 05:35:52 GMT

For a while I was in some other world. I think a world i created and I didn't even realize. I felt little. Thought a lot. Felt completely detached from the real world and everything. I was content. This is how it should be. I thought I was happy....things had finally evened out.
But now...
I can't trust anything....
Ideas....no.
People....no.
Me....no.

So what am I left with.

Nothing.

I feel like everything is infested with lies, curruption, and motives.

Nothing is pure and good.

Everything is a manifestation of our society.

Whats the point if we were mere puppets of falsifications and dillusions?

Who does all of this benifit?

Who am I?

akavanag@hamilton.edu — Wed, 25 Jan 2006 05:20:25 GMT

I am everyone. I am what everyone wants and expects me to be...or at best I try to be. Its all what i percive that they want. In a sense I become "them", "you" whoever you want me to be. Why? Because I want you to like me. I want to get along with you. Fucked up?...Yup.

So where am I? Better yet who am I?.....
Who do I want to be? What do I stand for? What are MY goals? MY needs? MY wants?
Are they essentually everyone elses? They can't be.

Yet I am tied to a vast network of expectations...as we all are. Are we all really individuals or acting as some sick fucked up communal whole? Pleasing people to please ourselves?

Well I am not so sure anymore.

1:26 am and I am at Hamilton

akavanag@hamilton.edu — Tue, 17 Jan 2006 06:47:03 GMT

How i got here, I am not sure. I left ipswich at 4:00 and arrived here at 8:30. I drove into the wind the whole way. Wind is just as bad as snow. I had to steer into it to stay strait on the road. Atleast there was no traffic. I like just flying, unhindered. The whole experience was sort of weird. It was like I was moving between two worlds. The world of home and the world of home. I was neither alive nor dead, just there.
As I sat in Physics i kept telling myself that I would spend the rest of the semester learning that shit. I knew it, but most of me didn't believe it. It still hadn't sunk in.
I came back to my room and napped for a while. I woke up a minute before I was suppose to be there. Yay for being a so called type A! I am not sure how i feel about the simulation class....maybe it was because I wasn't really in a mood to work with others. The class meets wed. 7-10. I read the book my mom got me about addiction for a while. It is really good.

I called Josh but he didn't answer. I ended up talking to him online, but he just left. I think it just hit be that I am at school now. Break seems like this hazy dream, that I am not sure is real or not. Acctually now seems like a hazzy dream that I am not sure is real.

I NEED TO GET BACK TO REALITY

It's blue and waterproof

akavanag@hamilton.edu — Fri, 30 Dec 2005 20:36:19 GMT

I ordered a vibrator off the internet! I can't wait until its here!

Christmas.....

akavanag@hamilton.edu — Mon, 26 Dec 2005 20:07:17 GMT

A whirl of Red and Green.

Christmas....my shopping isn't done...nothing is wrapped!

akavanag@hamilton.edu — Sat, 24 Dec 2005 04:28:45 GMT

I bought my dad a really awesome grilling accessory set. This got me most excited today. If he doesn't like it or already has one I am buying a grill to go along with it!

Right now I am lying on Josh's bed handing him tape while he wraps his presents. Its the most I can get involved in the opperation.

Break has been good. Much has been done. I feel like i do so much more living when I am here.

Anyway thats it.

Happy Kwanza!

akavanag@hamilton.edu — Mon, 19 Dec 2005 07:03:24 GMT

sex!@

IT HAPPENDD

akavanag@hamilton.edu — Mon, 19 Dec 2005 06:57:13 GMT

i just lst my vigitinity

just kidding